Quality Jokes and Humor

[JerryB]

I now declare this the ScienceForums Quality Jokes and Humor
thread. This thread is for quality humor only. The kind of stuff
that you just can't wait to pass on. I figure we get the good stuff
all in one place so when we need a lift we can be fairly sure of
getting it. If it's just a little amusing or kinda cute then best put
it in a separate thread. This is for ROTFLMAO humor. Please uphold
the standards. If you're not sure about the quality of your humor,
check the next 4 posts for samples.

[JerryB]

QANTAS AIRLINES

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) By maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed .


And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[JerryB]

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C.,
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that the
traffic seemed worse than usual.

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's
the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped
his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline
and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about
why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy,
or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends.
So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of
folks are still siphoning."

[JerryB]

A young man is working in a grocery store in New York. An older man
approaches him and asks where he can find half a head of lettuce. The
young man says they don't sell half a head only the whole head of lettuce.

The older man complains that it's ridiculous, he only needs half a head.
So the young man says he will talk to the manager and see what he can
do about it.

He walks to the back office and says to the manager that there is some
idiot up front who wants to buy half a head of lettuce, he then turns to
see the older man standing right behind him listening to his conversation.
He quickly tells the manager that this is a different guy who is kind enough
to buy the other half. The manager smiles and nods. He takes care of the
customer and then comes back to talk to the stock boy.

"Hey kid you were pretty quick back there, where are you from?"

"Oh I'm from Canada."

The manager looks puzzled "So why did you move down here?"

"Oh, Canada is only full of hockey players and prostitutes."

The manager gets a little upset with this and says,
"My wife is from Canada!"

Without missing a beat the kid says, "Oh really? What team does
she play for?"

[JerryB]

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin. He is in need of a new milk cow
and hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He
drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see
if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow,
then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat,
pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however,
so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look
at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

[rockytriton]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the
cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb
towards the banana. AS soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of
the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the
same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from
the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the
banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror,
all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and
attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and
replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is
attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with
enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new
one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey
takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea
why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are
participating in beating the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for
the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way
it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

[niviene]

Originally Posted by rockytriton

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Nice.

[Dark Mind]

Originally Posted by JerryB

A young man is working in a grocery store in New York. An older man
approaches him and asks were he can find half a head of lettuce. The
young man says they don't sell half a head only the whole head of lettuce.

You never should of told us you're an English teacher .

In case you were concerned about your spelling, I bolded where you made a mistake.

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick . Nice jokes. Very good.

[JerryB]

Originally Posted by rockytriton

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Mm, as niviene said, nice. Kinda gives me a good feeling.

[JerryB]

Originally Posted by Dark Mind

You never should of told us you're an English teacher .

Okay, okay, but . . erm, would you mind not repeating it?
Everybody doesn't hafta know.

Originally Posted by Dark Mind

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick . Nice jokes. Very good.

A bit embarrassing actually, but I'm grateful for the
correction. When I write my own stuff I'm pretty
careful of my spelling and grammar. I always read
it over several times before posting. So usually any
spelling "errors" are deliberate like "hafta" above.

But no excuses. I did miss that one. When I copy
and paste stuff I get sloppy. Will be more careful in
the future.

Oh and by the way:

Originally Posted by Dark Mind

You never should of told us you're an English teacher .

That should be, "should have told us"
but you probably knew that, didn't you?
Also

Originally Posted by Dark Mind

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick . .

"quickly" would be preferable, but "soon" is best.